Michele Borba - Self-Control
A Parent Guide by Dr. Michele Borba, for
Thrivers: Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle & Others Shine
Chapter Three: SELF-CONTROL
Your Words Matter
How to talk to children so they develop a growth mindset and "I can do hard things" attitude.
Thrivers can think straight and self-regulate. Kids who are strong in self-control can manage stress and regulate unhealthy emotions, can delay gratification and can stretch their focusing capabilities so to increase mental and physical strength. Controlling attention, emotions, thoughts and actions are highly correlated to resilience.
KEY POINTS FROM CHAPTER THREE of THRIVERS
Self-Control Is a Superpower: Research shows that self-control is a better predictor of adult wealth, health, and happiness than grades or IQ.
Untamed Stress Is Dangerous to Health. It reduces resilience, increases mental health risks, and creates helplessness (“I can’t do anything about it, so why try?) and burnout.
Self-Control Is Teachable. A significant number of kids’ mental suffering can be prevented by teaching coping skills to regulate unhealthy emotions.
3 Abilities Nurture Self-Control: 1. Attentive focus; 2. Self-management; 3. Healthy decision-making.
Use Mental Diversions. Reduce attention temptations that rob focusing: change kids’ focus (or least appealing part of distractor), teach easy mental tricks to boost self-control, create “if-then” plans.
Teach ACT to Manage Emotions: A-Assess stress; C-Calm with slow breaths; T-Talk positively to self. • Thrivers Develop Autonomy. Enabling, impatience, coddling, competing, and rescuing rob autonomy.
Teach Healthy Decision-Making: To help kids learn to steer their own lives. Allow choices, offer “either or” decisions, ask: “What might happen if…”, teach “Stop, think, act right.”
1-2 Breaths Boost Relaxation. Take a slow, deep breath and exhale twice as long as the inhale.
PERSONAL REFLECTIONS
How well do your children manage emotions? Which approaches (like mindfulness, yoga, meditation, and stress management) to nurture children’s self-control interest you? How might parents join (playgroups, scouting, playdates) to teach stress management and self-control practices to your children together?
Take away: Parental stress spills over. How will I model calmness to my kids?
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Application: What are my child’s stress signs? How can I help her learn them?
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Family lesson: What coping skill will I use with my family? How will I teach it?
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©2021. Dr. Michele Borba. For more about Dr. Borba and her book, Thrivers see www.micheleborba.com